Often times, break ups can happen out of no where. It leaves you with many questions and even more emotions.
I had a close friend of mine, let me know her boyfriend of long-term, and much effort on her part, broke it off with her yesterday while checking in this morning. Randomly and out of the blue. They had even had plans for dinner that night.
It sucks when it happens to yourself, left alone someone you are close with. You will always have those friends that say the three most common things:
” I didn’t like them anyway ” / ” You are too good for them anyway ” / ” We need to get you under someone new to get you over them, let’s get wasted “… or something along those lines .
While your friends mean well in trying to cheer you up, it doesn’t really solve anything in regards to you moving past it. Not at first anyway. You have to do it yourself internally.
I was inspired to write this out because of her, going back to my past instances dealing with that very subject. Hardly ever do you think you come out on top, until you go through the motions of a breakup, but this list can certainly give some guidance on how to proactively deal with it all in a healthy manner.
1. Let yourself deal with the pain and confusion;
Often times, when being dumped, you are left asking most of all “Why?” Why now, why me, Why did they end this after all we’ve been through” etc. You need to deal with the initial loss of your partner. For however long, and how much you put in, they were a part of you and your daily thoughts and feelings.
So go ahead and cry, stuff your face with comfort food, talk smack to your besties, but just do whatever it is you need to do to actually let the emotions flow. Just don’t block it in and try to move on. If you don’t deal with them, it’s only going to hurt later, and most likely when you have someone new, hindering that relationship.
2. Reason with the situation;
You need to somewhat step out of the box for this one and that can be the most tricky. You were just broken up with. Usually, your ex does one of two ways. They flat-out blame you and dump you hard. This sucks but I feel it’s an easy way to move past it faster. Or they sit there and tell you they are messed up and you deserve much better. It may be the truth, but wouldn’t you be the best one to decide that? Is that not what a partner does, decide to look past or work on any flaws you have in each other and make it a more positive experience?
Once you can sit down and grasp maybe why this is happening without shoving your face in ice cream, maybe it will become a little more clear. You will see how they were perhaps different leading up to it. Maybe it’s who they have been this entire time? Usually you find the answers in time, or at least make peace with the ones you don’t. Then you can go towards the next phase.
3. Think of reasons why you are better off;
– This can be especially difficult for people who wear their hearts on their sleeves like myself. You go into a relationship determined to put effort in and make it work no matter what. That makes it hard to want to project negative thoughts internally, and you can often end up blaming yourself for things “you didn’t do” or “you could have done”. Logically, it ended for whatever reason, and you are in the position you are. So maybe find those faults – perhaps there were some that you brushed aside even though you knew they would have tormented you for the rest of your days. You just dodged that bullet! It’s a bitter way to think for the moment does it does help to move past the “I lost them and I’ll never be the same without them”. That CAN be a good thing.
4. Think of how you grew as someone in a relationship and what you can offer the next person;
You might as well make the best of it and see some of the good, and focus on yourself in that aspect. Focusing on their good, makes you a decent person, but it will trip feelings of missing them to occur more often than not.
What did you do differently in this relationship then the last? What did you learn about yourself. What did you learn with your wants and needs from someone who you call your partner?
5. Indulge yourself in a hobby that is just for you;
I personally have done all of these in the past. . Join a club, whether it’s a game night at a bar, skiing lessons, book club, curling (I LOVE CURLING! LEAVE ME ALONEEEE lol), or even something simple like knitting or puzzle making. All of them will take up your time and give you reasons to work on you.
6. Do something to better your mind and body;
Hit the gym, nothing says “fuck you” to an ex than them seeing you down the road and you are still/become a hottie for them to hate themselves. vengeance aside, it’s a super healthy way to be and a good way to release endorphins into your body with a good workout
7. Make yourself social;
So when you are done a lot of the previous steps, you are more likely to be rational about moving on and being social. It’s always easy to go out with the girls or the guys, and have the pour booze down your throat until you feel numb and dance away nights you don’t remember. Why not do this but in a positive way. Go make new memories and slowly you will realise, life goes on. Just because you lost some, doesn’t mean its game over. It’s a good start to place roots on who you are, and what you want out of life, and letting the world see that side of you. It will attract people and create that atmosphere that you’re awesome.
8. Clean Sweep;
After you have gone through all the emotions, there is one last trip down memory lane. If you have been together for a while, even lived together, you most likely have left things as they are and there is a box of their stuff, and likewise they may have stuff of yours that you would like to return.
This is the last sting, but hopefully if you’ve done most of the things above, you will be able to be pretty logical about it and just ask to trade stuff back, and not to mope about doing so.
It will always suck having to take out your picture of the two of you, spend time erasing however long back off social media for the most part, even deciding what gifts you got from them, and whether you want to keep them or toss them in the garbage. It’s a sore spot but it has to be done.
9. Last but not least, Move On;
All the above doesn’t have any length of a timeline, but I would hope most would be reasonable with them. If you spend too much time on any one step, it could cause damage more than good for any future pending relationships. You can tell the people who carry this weight around with them. The ones that often complain of their ex on the first date, the ones that have unrealistic expectations from the onset and compare you to that last one. When they react a certain way, thinking you will respond a way you never would because you are not them. It’s easy to tell.
10. How ever you choose to put yourself out there, do it confidently!
This world is so scared and hide behind a keyboard on a phone screen to process through. While this is great to weed out that masses of possible horrible suitors, this lacks genuine intent and connection. I’m a hypocrite and have met all my ex’s online, but I don’t like to chat for long before asking to go out and experience life with them.
Don’t be scared of rejection. Easy to say, harder to execute. I know this, but this is a world where if you put yourself out there, the other person, should they reciprocate, will definitely appreciate it more.
I’m sure there is many other things to add, and obviously everyone’s situation different, so do so as you need, but I feel this is a good base structure to moving on and getting yourself healed and happy before trying again.
You’re amazing and that’s all that matters at the end of the day. Do what you need to make you the best you can be, that includes hurting properly from the onset of a break up, and you will ultimately attract the world around you to look and admire.